Best of Saturday Night Live

Tina Fey: At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was cancelled last Friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment.

Neil Diamond: Well, folks, it's the end of the line for ol' Neil Diamond. That's right, I'm retiring from showbiz. I got me a ranch house out in Sausalito, 25 acres, a couple of pigs, sex swing in the basement, this weird Vietnamese guy who just kind of hangs out - you know, the American Dream.

Jarret: My roommate is from Canada, so we told him that American girls really like it when guys wear mesh tank tops and quote Billy Joel.

Jimmy Fallon: US officials continue the search for Osama Bin Ladin. Reports suggest that Bin Ladin is most likely somewhere remote and barren, where he will not encounter others. The FBI has begun searching theatres showing the movie "Glitter."

Tina Fey: In women's health news, the FDA announced that it has approved NuvaRing, a new highly effective birth control device for women. NuvaRing is 2 inches long and releases a continuous low dose of estrogen... just like Michael Jackson's penis.

Jimmy Fallon: It was revealed that Donald Trump has plans to buy a parachute in case he ever has to jump out of one of his buildings. Either that, or he plans to grab his comb over and Mary Poppins his way down past the 80th floor.

Jimmy Fallon: San Francisco was rattled by a magnitude 5.2 earthquake Tuesday. One San Francisco man said the quake was so strong it shook the gay out of him.

Jimmy Fallon: Oprah Winfrey has named her new $51 million estate 'Tara 2,' after Scarlett O'Hara's plantation in Gone With The Wind. Meanwhile, Sally Jessy Raphael has named her new estate Apartment 4B.

Tina Fey: The cover story of New York Magazine this week is Baby Panic. This goes perfectly with the other magazines on my coffee table - Where Are The Babies? Why Haven't You Had A Baby? And, For God's Sake Have A Baby. Thanks Time Magazine, this is just what I need: another article so depressing that I can actually hear my ovaries curling up. According to author Sylvia Hewlett, career women shouldn't wait to have babies because our fertility takes a steep drop-off after age 27. And Sylvia's right- I definitely should've had a baby when I was 27, living in Chicago, over a biker bar, pulling down a cool 12 grand a year. That woulda worked out great. But Sylvia's message is feminism can't change nature, which is true. If feminism could change nature, Ruth Bader Ginsburg would be all oiled up on the cover of Maxim. Ladies, there's no reason to panic though, it's out of your control anyway. Either your cooter works, or it doesn't. My mom had me when she was 40, and this was back in the 70s when the only fertility aid was Harvey's Bristol Cream. So, waiting is just a risk that I'm going to have to take. And, I don't think I could do fertility drugs, because, to me, six half-pound translucent babies is not a miracle, it's gross. I'd rather adopt a baby - I don't need a kid that looks like me. I was not a cute kid. I looked like a cross between that chick from the Indigo Girls... and the other chick from the Indigo Girls. Not a cute kid.

Courtney Love: I know you! I had sex with you!
Elton John: No.

Host: [at a Star Trek convention] You know before I answer any more questions, there's something I wanted to say. Having received all your letters over the years, and some of you have come hundreds of miles to be here, I'd just like to say, get a life. Will you, people? I mean for crying out loud, it's just a TV show. I mean look at you. You've turned an enjoyable little job that I did as lark into a colossal waste of time. I - I mean, how old are you people? What have you done with yourselves? You
[pointing to one person in audience]
Host: You must be almost 30, have you ever kissed a girl?
[man looks dejected]
Host: I didn't think so. There's a whole world out there. When I was your age, I didn't watch television, I lived. So move out of your parent's basements, and get your own apartments, and grow up. I mean it's just a TV show, damn it. It's just a TV show.
Dana Carvey: Are you saying we should pay more attention to the movies?
Host: No! That's not what I'm saying at all. Jeez, you people are the lamest bunch of - I mean - I've never seen - a - I really can't understand.
[walks off stage]
Host: [argues with someone]
[comes back on stage]
Host: Of course that speech was a recreation of the Evil Captain Kirk from episode - um - 37, the name - The Enemy Within. Yeah. So thank you. Live long and prosper. So everybody set your phasers on stun cause this convention's ahead warp factor 9. All right. Warp factor 9.

Host: I know you've come hundreds of miles to be here, and I'd just like to say: Get a life.

Sean Connery: [Celebrity Jeopardy, the category is "The Pen is mightier."] I've got to ask you about The Penis Mightier.

Tina Fey: When Al Gore realized that he still had a chance in Florida Tuesday, he called George W. Bush at 3:30 in the morning to withdraw his concession, saying "Circumstances have changed." Bush replied, "Unbelievable. Let me make sure I understand. You're taking back your concession?" Gore then said, "Well, you don't have to be snippy." To which Bush replied, "Jeb has assured me we have Florida." To which Gore responded, "Let me explain something. Your younger brother is not the ultimate authority on this." To which Bush said, "You conceded. No take-backs. No do-overs." And Gore was like, "I had my fingers crossed." Bush was all like, "I'm not trying to hear that, see!" And Gore was like, "Oh, no you didn't." Then Gore hung up and Bush totally Star 69-ed him and was like, "I know where you're at. I got your number on my Caller ID." And now, Jimmy, they're like not speaking, which is so awkward for me, cause I'm friends with both of them.
Jimmy Fallon: That is so unfair of them to put you in that position.
Tina Fey: I know, right? Back to you.

Tina Fey: [on Weekend Update] This week, runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks announced that she stills intends to marry fiance and can't wait to be called Mrs. John Mason, as in "Mrs. John Mason, we have some questions about your husband's murder."
[opens her eyes real big and tilts her head]

Amy Poehler: [on Weekend Update] US Weekly is reporting that Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's baby will be a boy, or as Kevin says "a boyee".

Amy Poehler: [on Weekend Update] Uh, Oh, Tina, I think it's time for Amy Poehler's HipHop breakdown
Tina Fey: [moans] No no...

Ariana the cheerleader: I'm Ariana! I have Teen Spirit, I don't do drugs, so check me out! ChaCha Chaboochie Roll Call!
Craig the cheerleader: Im name is Craig, I did drugs once. I am a spartan, so check me out!
[they out their backs to each other]
Craig the cheerleader: So check us out.

Ariana the cheerleader: Omigod Craig how do I look?
Craig the cheerleader: You look good, but you have some split ends
[she gasps]
Craig the cheerleader: I know, but I'm trying to be a friend!
Ariana the cheerleader: Yeah, but it still hurts!

Regis Philbin: We went to this little restuarant on the upper east side call Aboo Dabby which you know in Italian means…
Kathy Lee Gifford: [makes hand motions] "Affection".
Regis Philbin: No, no, it's actually "abundance".
Kathy Lee Gifford: Oh, ok. "Abundance".
[makes another hand motion]
Regis Philbin: And there was so much food, that at one point Gail looked at me and said, "You expect me to eat all this?"
Kathy Lee Gifford: [starts jumping up and down in the seat] Oh. Oh, what did Gail say? What did Gail say?
Regis Philbin: I, I just told you what Gail said.

Lindsay Lohan: [during a visit to Disney World] Guys, this is like a dream come true! When I got to the park this morning, Tigger came up and hugged me! I almost cried!
Debbie Downer: I guess Roy's not doing as well as they thought.
Amy Poehler: What? Who's Roy?
Debbie Downer: Roy of Sigfried and Roy. He was attacked by his pet tiger and suffered devastating injuries.

Debbie Downer: [after being hugged by "Pluto"] Oh, hi, Pluto. It must really be fun working at Disney. Although at any major theme park, you live under the constant threat of terrorist attacks.
Amy Poehler: [depressed, the Pluto character walks off] What, where's he going? What's wrong?
Debbie Downer: In that outfit, he's probably in the early stages of heat exhaustion.

Debbie Downer: [at Disney World] Hey, you guys... it's official... I can't have children.

Sean Connery: Hello, Trebek, fancy seeing you again. It's been a long time.
Alex Trebek: Not quite long enough.
Sean Connery: Not long enough, eh? That's not what your mother said last night.

Tina Fey: As a mother of two, which I am not, I worry about the lack of positive role models for today's young girls. For example, Britney Spears caused controversy last month when she wore this skimpy outfit at MTV's Video Music Awards. Critics called the outfit inappropriate and say it's just another example of Hollywood sexualizing young girls. But I say, ladies - give it up. Britney looks good. Look at that ass! That is a cherry bomb. You gotta look at that thing through a hole in a paper plate. Britney, in about five years that whole area is gonna blow… so enjoy it now… have it photographed as much as possible. Rub it with fine oils and liniments. You will miss it when it's gone. And, as for whether those are breast implants are not - Britney was on our show last year, I worked with her… and, to me, her breasts felt completely real.
Jimmy Fallon: What did you just say?
Tina Fey: What?
Jimmy Fallon: You said they "felt real".
Tina Fey: No, I didn't.

Tina Fey: The producers of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" are reportedly talking with Britney Spears to get the singer to do a two-part guest appearance on the show. The two parts are above her waist and below her neck.

Tina Fey: An entire school showed up at a George W. Bush rally in Dearborn, Michigan this week to complain that their building is unsafe and they lack books and teachers. A sympathetic Bush promised that if elected, he'll take care of the students the best way he knows how... by executing them.

Tina Fey: Jimmy, you are a constant disappointment to me.

Tina Fey: With election day approaching, the Presidential candidates stepped up their TV appearances. This week Gore and Bush were on Letterman, Regis, and The View. Meanwhile, Ralph Nader was a plaintiff on Judge Joe Brown and Pat Buchanan appeared on a security camera at Walgreens.

Jimmy Fallon: A current online poll shows that George W. Bush is beating Al Gore by a margin of 4% - or, as George W. Bush would refer to it… this many.
[holds up four fingers]

Tina Fey: It was announced this week that Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown will perform a show together at the Aladdin casino in Las Vegas. Tickets are $150. $200 if Whitney and Bobby actually show up. The concert will be sponsored by Snapple and cocaine.

Tina Fey: Prostitutes in Lyons, France sent a fax to the government to complain that they are losing business to Eastern European women who are protected by the Albanian mafia. Okay, first of all, how rough-looking are these French prostitutes that all their customers are running to the Albanians? Secondly, why did they send a fax, and from whence? Do they have a fax machine in the whorehouse, or did they all trundle down to Kinko's - "You fax these, I'll let you shave me." Thirdly, how come French whores know how to work a fax machine, but every time I try to use it, I hit Power Save, or I forget to dial 9? This just proves what my boyfriend always says - that I am dumber than a French whore. Back to you, Jimmy!

Tina Fey: Bush says that he kept the story of his arrest secret because he felt it did not set a good example for his daughters, preferring instead that they see him as a failed businessman who executes people.

Tina Fey: Following the premature release of a controversial "Esquire" interview, an angry Bill Clinton told reporters, "I was promised faithfully that the interview would be released after the election and I believed it." Yeah, that's crazy, isn't it, Bill? How some people can look you right in the eye and lie to you like that? Bill? Ah, I talk a good game, but I'd still make out with him.

Tina Fey: This week Brad Pitt was voted the Sexiest Man Alive by "People" magazine but unfortunately, he may lose the title in the Sexiest Man Electoral College.

Tina Fey: During a ceremony at a Holocaust memorial in Jerusalem this week, German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder accidentally extinguished the memorial's eternal flame. The embarrassed chancellor immediately apologized, telling Jewish leaders, "Mein bad."

Rachel Dratch: Jimmy Fallon, will you marry me?
Tina Fey: Okay, Jimmy, what will your answer be? Lorne is waiting to officiate the wedding should you choose to say yes.
Jimmy Fallon: Wait, Lorne's a minister?
Tina Fey: Eh, he's a ship's captain.
Jimmy Fallon: I can't marry you… I just got Playstation 2, it's very time consuming.

Jimmy Fallon: Online advocates say that the delays and confusion over ballot counting wouldn't be a problem if people voted on the Internet. Oh, that's a great idea. Sure, they can't handle punch cards, but old people love the Internet. My grandfather is afraid of his answering machine!

Tina Fey: Three executions in the state of Texas have been rescheduled for next week. Governor Bush said he felt it was best to postpone the executions until after the election is decided so he can really enjoy them.

Tina Fey: Hillary Clinton's victory in the New York Senate race this week was greeted with disdain by Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott, who warned that when she gets to the Senate, she'll just be "one of one hundred." To which Hillary responded, "I'm used to being one of one hundred, I'm married to Bill Clinton."

Tina Fey: Earlier tonight, Michael Douglas married Catherine Zeta-Jones at the Plaza Hotel here in New York. The entertainment at the reception was singer Tom Jones. The couple felt he was the perfect choice because like the bride, he is Welsh and like the groom, he is old and creepy.

Jimmy Fallon: China's state media reported this week that a 37-year-old Chinese man had his damaged esophagus replaced with part of his own colon. Earlier today the man was quoted as saying, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Tina Fey: Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris has been all over the news this week. First she set a deadline for the recount, then she was overruled, now she's been stripped of her ability to certify the Florida votes. Katherine Harris hasn't gotten this much attention since spring break '77. Look at her, she looks divorced. She looks like the woman being cheated on in a Mexican soap opera. Katherine, honey, there's another setting on your make-up mirror. It's called "daytime." Check it out.

Church Lady: [interviewing Willie Nelson] Now, William, I understand there is lots of sex, drugs and rock and roll on the road.
Willie Nelson: Oh, c'mon, Church Lady, it's not like that. Most nights after a concert I just want to go to sleep.
Church Lady: Come now, William, I know that you have a pile of naked drunken groupies waiting for you and "Little Willie" to rise out of the pulpit.

Jessica Simpson: We have a great show tonight with musical guests Gunit.
Nick Lachey: Uh, that's G-Unit, Jess, G-Unit.
Jessica Simpson: Oh, okay.

Alex Trebek: [on Celebrity Jeopardy] Sharon Osbourne, you have first pick of the board. Might I suggest "Automatic Points"?
Sharon Osbourne: I'll take "How many fingers am I holding up" for $200, Alex.
Alex Trebek: All right.
[holds up three fingers]
Alex Trebek: How many fingers am I holding up?
Sharon Osbourne: Seven
Alex Trebek: [resignedly] No, it's not seven.
Sharon Osbourne: What? Why
[long period of bleeping]
Alex Trebek: Bill Cosby?
Bill Cosby: Why can't people talk today without cursing? That's what's wrong with the young people today with the sagging pants and the rap music and...
Alex Trebek: [warily] That is not correct. Okay, Sean Connery.
Sean Connery: I've got a finger for you, Trebek.
Alex Trebek: [to the cameraman] Take the camera off him! Don't show that! That's not a finger, Mr. Connery and you know it!
Sean Connery: [camera cuts back to Connery who is zipping up his pants] Like you've never seen one before, Trebek.

Ted Koppell: Good evening, I'm Ted Koppell. We have just learned that the accused assassin of Buckwheat, John David Stutts, is being about to make his first court appearance. Let's go there live.
John David Stutts: [Being led into court by the police] Hello everybody. I killed Buckwheat. I have a question for America; when you dream, do you dream in black and white or color? I had a dream last night about lime jello, only it was in black and white and I didn't know it was lime until I tasted it and...
TV Reporter: Excuse me, Mr. Stutts; did you shoot Buckwheat?
John David Stutts: Sure.
TV Reporter: Why?
John David Stutts: I had to; my dog told me he was the Anti-Christ. I named my dog Petie after the dog on the Our Gang comedies and
[enters the courtroom]

Norm Macdonald: [On Weekend Update] LaToya Jackson. What does it take to be known as the 'crazy' member of the Jackson family?

Tina Fey: Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have announced that their new reality show will be called 'Britney and Kevin: Chaotic' because the name 'The Beverly Hillbillies' is already being used.

Sean Connery: [the category is "Japan-US Relations"] I'll take "Jap anus relations" for $200, Trebek.

Alex Trebek: [the category is "Words that begin with the letter C"] The word cat would be found under this letter in the dictionary. Sean Connery?
Sean Connery: What is the "R's"?
Alex Trebek: No, it's not in the "R's".
Sean Connery: Not in the "R's", eh? Well, that's not what your mother said last night, Trebek.

Julia Child: Welcome. I'm Julia Child. Today, we're going to make a holiday feast, and we're going to start with a half-boned chicken, a fine, fat roasting chicken. Now, first, remove the giblets - and you really should save the giblets. They make a fine stock for soup. Or you can save the liver and fry it up with some onions for a little snack; or if you have a number of livers, you can make a lovely liver pate, or a delicious liverwurst which you can spread on a cracker - a Ritz cracker, a Saltine... or rye bread, or pumpernickel bread... or if you're celebrating the Jewish holidays, you can make a chopped liver and shape it into the bust of a friend... if someone's getting married or bar-mitzvahed... am I saying that right? Bar-mitzvahed? Or, if you have a little cat or a dog, they love liver. Save the liver! Don't throw it away! I hope I've made my point. Don't throw the liver away. Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Anyway, it's time to bone the chicken. Now, for this, you need a very sharp knife. You can't do nothing without a sharp knife!
[She holds chicken and cuts along it with a sharp knife]
Julia Child: Now, you place the chicken on its stomach, and cut along the backbone to the pug nose like so...
[She suddenly drops the knife ]
Julia Child: Crap! Oh! Oh, now I've done it - I've cut the dickens out of my finger. Well, I'm glad, in a way, this has happened...
[Blood squirts out of her hand onto the chicken]
Julia Child: We have never really discussed what to do. First, we must stop the bleeding.
[She holds her apron over her hand]
Julia Child: The best way is to put pressure on the apron, like so...
[Blood keeps sqirting all over the kitchen]
Julia Child: Now, you want to raise your hand above your head so the blood doesn't pump all the way up.
[Blood continues to squirt, going everywhere]
Julia Child: Well, the apron doesn't seem to be working, so I recommend natural coagulants, such as chicken liver...
[picks up the chicken liver]
Julia Child: Remember not to throw away the liver!
[Blood gushes over the chicken liver]
Julia Child: Oh, God, it's throbbing! Well, a tourniquet can be made, using a chicken bone...
[She wraps a towel and a chicken bone around her hand]
Julia Child: Find a pressure point between the heart and the wound - in this case, the wrist - and cut off the blood. This is a last resort, however, because you could lose your hand if you tighten it too much!
[the blood keeps on squirting. She starts to get a little woozy]
Julia Child: If you're too woozy to tie the tourniquet, you might call Emergency Help - there's not much time left...
[She hobbles towards the phone on back wall and picks it up]
Julia Child: Now, every kitchen phone should have the Emergency number written on it somewhere...
[She looks at her phone ]
Julia Child: This one doesn't! 9-1-1!
[She tries to dial the number, but can't]
Julia Child: Oh, this phone is a prop, it doesn't work!
[She drops the phone, becoming increasingly woozy]
Julia Child: That's a shame, because I'm remembering a time when I was a little girl and I... had a dog named Admiral... and I used to give him liver... and my mother gave me a doll...
[She starts tipping from side to side and stares blankly at the audience]
Julia Child: Why are you all spinning? Uh... I think I'm going to go to sleep now... bon appetit...
[She falls headfirst onto the counter on top of the chicken, but manages to jump up one last time]
Julia Child: Save the liver!
[She falls back onto the counter and twitches before dying]

Kid - 'I Love Hot Dogs' Skit: Well, if you love them so much, why don't you marry one?

Phillip: One time our car broke down, so my mom gave me a Snickers and a Coke. I towed the car home! When I got home I was tired.

Dennis Miller: [winging an off-key, parodied version of Cat Stevens' "Moonshadow."] I'm being followed by a big Muslim, big Muslim, big Muslim. Biiiiig Muslim, big Muslim!
[smirks at cheering audience, goes on to sing "Father and Son"]
Dennis Miller: If it was them, I'd agree, but it was not me, it's so hard, so hard, and now I must go away.
[turns to other camera, smirking while audience cheers]
Dennis Miller: [Swings chair back around to face other camera, this time singing "Wild World"] . Oooooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world!
[makes guitar sound]
Dennis Miller: Ba-na-na-na-na!

Dennis Miller: [picture of Vice Presidential Candidate Dan Quayle] What's the difference between these two spherical objects? Eventually, the one on the left will have a light in it.
[laughter and applause, some ooohs]
Dennis Miller: [turns to camera] Sorry, Dan-o, you make it too damn easy.
[laughs]

Dennis Miller: [after Jon Lovitz returns to the "Weekend Update" desk to lick his face] Licked by Lovitz... what concentric circle of hell is that?

Dana Carvey, Dennis Miller, Tom Hanks: Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! Jingle all the way! Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh, babe! Dashing through the snow, in a one-horse open sleigh, over the fields we go, laughing all the way,
[all brush hair over shoulder]
Dana Carvey, Dennis Miller, Tom Hanks: ahhh. Bells on bobtails ring...
Dana Carvey: Wait, what the hell is a bobtail?
Tom Hanks: You're a stupid pain in the ass, just sing the freakin' song!
Dennis Miller: Guess what folks, that's the news...
Dana Carvey, Dennis Miller, Tom Hanks: ...and
[shouts]
Dana Carvey, Dennis Miller, Tom Hanks: we are outta here!

Dieter: Now I am as happy as a little girl.

Lothar of the Hill People: It is written by the ancients and yet it is still true. Women. You cannot walk with them and yet you cannot club them.

Old German Man: Mein Gott in Himmel! Dieter's dream!

Dieter: Before we begin, would you like to touch my monkey?
Karl-Heinz Schelker: I would be honored.
Dieter: Touch him! Love him! Liebe meine abschmeenkee.

Dieter: What is your name?
Exclamation Point: I do not have a formal Christian name. I am called Exclamation Point.
Dieter: Greetings Exclamation Point. I have always wanted to make love to a woman with punctuational nomenclature.

Exclamation Point: I am a whore. I am a nun. I am a whore.
Dieter: Nun.
Exclamation Point: Whore.
Dieter: Nun.
Exclamation Point, Dieter: Whorenun.

Alex Trebek: This is the sound a dog makes.
Sean Connery: [buzzes in] Moo!
Alex Trebek: I'm sorry, that is not the sound that a dog makes.
Sean Connery: Well, that's the sound your mother made last night!

Sean Connery: [buzzes in] Dolly Parton!
Alex Trebek: That was "Famous Titles," Mr. Connery, not "Titties."
Sean Connery: Well, somebody doesn't like the ladies.

[repeated line]
Stuart Smalley: ...because I'm good enough, smart enough, and - doggone it - people like me!

Dane Cook: It's great to be here *hosting* Saturday Night Live. It's great to, uh, actually be back in the city, and, uh, I brought all my friends in, I wanted to make sure that I captured the moment. You know, I get to finally come here to be a part of the show, I got all my friends, and everybody's here, my family. Sometimes there's a moment where somebody takes out a camera and says, "We should capture this moment! We should take a picture!" And you get all excited, "Yeah, we should! Let's take a picture!" And then you look around, "Who could take the picture for us? There doesn't seem to be anybody around! We'll have to do it ourselves." And then there's the most awkward thing of all, where you have to look at all of your friends, and decide, "Who do we not care about enough to capture this memorable moment? Hey, Karen, you want to, uh, step out and take that? Yeah, don't worry, we'll Photoshop you in later."

Man With Turtleneck (aka Keith): [about a turtleneck that's overheated and completely uncomfortable] I feel like I'm being raped by a wookie!

Wayne Campbell: [Wayne's Top Ten Babes Of All Time] Number nine: Elle MacPherson. She's a MacBabe.
Garth: She's a MacFox.
Wayne Campbell: MacSchwing!

Linda Richman: Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic. Rhode Island, neither a road nor an island, discuss.

Garth: I think I'm gonna hurl.
Wayne Campbell: Get a hold of yourself Garth - if you hurl and I get a whiff of it, I'll spew. And if I blow chunks the chances are other people are gonna honk.

Phillip: I love you, you know.
Grace: I know. Everyone always tells me I'm pretty. They all say "She's so pretty". I hate it.
Phillip: You're conceited.

Phillip: I gotta tell you, when you get older, people aren't gonna support you so much.
Grace: Why not?
Phillip: My cousin was a cute kid, then when he hit puberty his face exploded. Now he looks around and wonders where all the people who said he was cute went to.

Phillip: Wow. You're surrounded by a lot of positive support.

Sean Connery: Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Alex Trebek: Catherine Zeta-Jones is not the correct answer! In fact, Catherine Zeta-Jones has nothing to do with this category!
Sean Connery: I don't care about the category. I'm just naming women I'd like to sleep with. Halle Berry.

Alex Trebek: Let's just go to Final Jeopardy, shall we? The category is; I can't believe this, the Final Jeopardy category is 'Famous Mothers'.
Sean Connery: Hah, Hah, Hah; My day has finally come, Trebek.

George H.W. Bush: [during the 1992 Presidential debates] Mr. Clinton says he's brought progress to Arkansas. Well, Dan Quayle, Jim Baker and I went on a fishing trip to Arkansas and ran into some of the locals. I won't go into details, but one of them did say that Dan "shore had a purty mouth".

Lindsay Lohan: Darn it, Debbie! You are not going to spoil my visit to Disney World! Now, I didn't say anything at "It's a Small World" when you went on about low birth weight in babies or during the fireworks when you started talking about Feline AIDS...
Debbie Downer: It's still the number one cause of death among domestic cats
[frustrated, Lindsay leaves]
Debbie Downer: By the way, don't forget the sunscreen. I had a mole looked at the other day and the doctor said that based on the size and shape of the edges, I am flirting with that melanoma thing.
[everyone else at the table gets up to leave]
Debbie Downer: OK, I guess I'll meet you all later at my favorite ride; The Hall of Presidents. You know they never did catch that anthrax guy.

Carson Daly: Welcome to Last Call. I'm Carson Daly. I'm a massive tool.

Neil Diamond: It gets crazy on the road, and awful lonely. That's why I love pornography.

Jimmy Fallon: [ordering breakfast at Disney World] I love Mickey's Steak and eggs!
Debbie Downer: Ever since they found mad cow disease in the US, I'm not taking any chances.
Jimmy Fallon: What?
Debbie Downer: They say it can live in your body for up to three years before it attacks and destroys your brain.

Debbie Downer: [Debbie Downer is attending the Oscars] Congratulations, Hillary. You know that on the average, Oscar winners tend to die sooner than other actors and that winning two Oscars increases that chance by 50%.
Amy Poehler: [Incredulously] She was your favorite baby sitter when you were little?
Hilary Swank: Yeah; I don't know, maybe she was more positive back then.

Joe Piscopo: Good evening. I'm Joe Piscopo. This year marks the 20th anniversary of the death of President John F. Kennedy. We've brought together these three people to share with us their members of the day they learned that President Kennedy had been shot. Jim, let's start with you. What were you doing when you heard President Kennedy had been shot?
James Belushi: Well, I was in college and I was walking across the quad to call and this guy runs up and says 'President Kennedy has been shot', so I...
Joe Piscopo: Wait; how old are you?
James Belushi: I'm 26. So anyway, I went looking for a TV and...
Joe Piscopo: Wait a minute. You're telling us you were in college at age 6?
James Belushi: No, I was 19. Anyway...
Joe Piscopo: WAit a minute! You didn't know President Kennedy had been shot until eight years ago?
James Belushi: Well, hey now; you know, I was busy with school and girls and playing sports and stuff and I really wasn't into current events.
Joe Piscopo: I can't believe this. Mary, when did you find out President Kennedy had been shot?
Mary Gross: Well, Joe; in light of what just happened, I'm ashamed to admit that Jim told me right before the show started.
James Belushi: [Chuckling] What a dork, eh Joe?
Joe Piscopo: I can't believe this! This was one of the most important events of the 20th century and you people are totally clueless!
Tim Kazurinsky: [shocked] Wait a minute! President Kennedy is dead? How? When?
Joe Piscopo: Yes! My God, He was shot in Dallas!
Tim Kazurinsky: Oh, no! No! Please, No!
[Begins crying uncontrollably and hanging onto the other guests]
Tim Kazurinsky: President Kennedy is dead!
Joe Piscopo: [shaking his head] This is Joe Piscopo; good night.

Ripley: ["Aliens" sketch, the humans are trapped] OK. Whatever it is, it's coming down that elevator. So, when the doors open; open fire and don't stop until it's dead! Here it comes
[elevator doors open, soldiers start shooting]
Dana Carvey: Oh, my God!
[ET falls out of the elevator]
Dana Carvey: Man, we're really screwed now! We killed ET, man! What are we going to do!
Ripley: OK, OK. We got to think of a story. Uh, hand me that gun. OK. ET came in, he was drunk and waving this pistol
[puts gun in ET's hand]
Ripley: and then he started shooting and we had to kill him in self defense.

Sean Connery: Knock, knock.
Alex Trebek: Who's there?
Sean Connery: Me, the guy who slept with your mother last night!

Debbie Downer: [Debbie Downer is at Disney World] I love Disney World. It reminds me of my childhood; except for the two years I spent at Children's.

Church Lady: [interviewing Anne Heche] So, Anne; you call yourself "bisexual". I guess that means that when you reach your little hand down the front of someone's pants, you're happy with whate-e-ver you find.

Finesse Mitchell: [Commentary on Weekend update] Thank you, Tina. I am here to discuss a growing problem; the problem of parents giving their children stupid names. This is particularly true of young African American girls. I'm speaking on behalf of all the "LaQuaQuas" and "Shediquas" out there. I know that young white girls, especially celebrities, give their children stupid names like "Apple" and "Frances Bean", but these are rich little white girls! They're not ever going to have to worry about applying for a job at Kinkos and being told that Jerkeishawantisha won't fit on the name tag and so they'll have to put "Jerky" on there! Sometimes, these girls even name their children to get back at the "baby daddy". I dated a girl whose mama named her "Condombroke". I couldn't even say her name in church.

Amy Poehler: [on Weekend Update] Brittney Spears said today that she was writing a rap song outlining her current troubles. 'Wow, I can't wait to hear that' said no one.

Tina Fey: In Chicago, a man who was having a heart attack's life was saved when his dog brought him a phone so he could call for help. We should point out however, that for every one of these heart warming animal stories, 100,000 people die while their dogs sit and look at them like morons.

Amy Poehler: Voters in Denmark will soon be able to decide whether to keep a law that allows the government to approve or disapprove names that parents give to their children. With a Weekend update commentary, here is our own Finesse Mitchell.
Finesse Mitchell: Thank you, Amy. People of Denmark, please, please don't overturn this law. In fact, a law like this could be helpful in this country where we have a real problem with the names our young girls give their children. This is particularly a problem with young African American girls. I'm speaking on behalf of all of the LaQuayquays and Calimaris out there. Now, young white girls will give their children some jacked up names too;ike Rumer, Frances Bean and Apple; but these are rich white children! They would ever have to apply for a job a Kinko's and be told that Jurkeishamalika won't fit on a name tag and so they'll just put 'Jurky' on there. And another thing, I know sometimes these girls are just trying to get back at their baby daddy with these names. I once dated a girl named Condumbusted. I couldn't even say her name in church.

[discussing "Alexander" on Weekend Update]
Tina Fey: Our host this week, Colin Farrell, is the star of the new Oliver Stone big-budget epic "Alexander." Much of the attention around the film has centered on Alexander the Great's sexuality. Here to comment is Colin Farrell.
Colin Farrell: Thank you. Thank you, Tina. I'm very proud of "Alexander". It's an honest, multifaceted portrayal of one of the greatest figures of the ancient world. And yet, all anyone seems to talk about is how this guy liked men as well as women. He's so much more than that! I mean, this is a man who was able to take a group of fresh-faced young boys and whip them into one of the greatest armies the world has ever seen. And it's not like it was that easy to get these guys to go off and follow him. As everyone knows, it's very hard to get Greek men to leave their brothers behind. So he looked all over Greece, and found men who were anxious to leave home because they didn't like the way they were being reared.
Tina Fey: Th- This is fascinating. And during this whole time, the Greeks were constantly being attacked by the Persian army, right?
Colin Farrell: Yes, that's right, and the Persians were strong, manly fighters. But Alexander managed to beat off the entire Persian army.
Amy Poehler: Amazing, amazing. And yet, all people can talk about is that he mighta been gay!
Colin Farrell: Sad, isn't it? I mean, he united all of Greece, and got them to fight together as a nation.
Amy Poehler: So he used Greece to beat off the men of the Persian army?
Colin Farrell: Yes he did, Amy. Without Greece, the job of beating off the entire Persian army would've been much harder. I mean, this way he can finish them off quicker.
Tina Fey: That- that's true. I know that, 'cause I'm Greek. So, what was a typical battle like for Alexander?
Colin Farrell: Well, his preference was always to take the Persians from behind.
Amy Poehler: Of course, sure.
Colin Farrell: Alexander would use his troops to form a long phalanx, and then he would spread their flanks and ram the head of the phalanx into the Persian rear. And then his master stroke - you'll like this, Amy - unknown to the Persians, Alexander would hide an entire battalion of the Greek navy inside the phalanx.
Amy Poehler: Really? Wow.
Colin Farrell: Yes. So finally, after pounding away for hours and hours, a raging torrent of Greek seamen would erupt into the Persian rear.
Tina Fey: Amazing. And all we Americans care about is the fact that he may have had sex with a man! We're so provincial, unbelievable. Colin Farrell, everybody!

[repeated line]
Jorge Rodriguez: I'm looking for Pepe! Have you seen him?

Caitlin: This one time, I got choked on a pickle at Wendy's and my whole life flashed before my eyes and I said, "Not yet, sweet Jesus, not yet; I've never been to Disney World!" and then I threw up all over the restaurant and the manager gave me a certificate for one free hamburger a year for the rest of my life! Isn't that right, Rick? Rick, Rick, Riiiiiick!

Customer #2: I just bought my son a Kid's meal and there was no toy in it.
Nadine: So, you want an additional 'Road to El Dorado' figyareen?
Customer #2: No, I don't want an additional 'figyareen'; I want the one that was supposed to be in it to begin with!
Nadine: Ok, just simma down now, simma down!
Customer #2: Why don't I start 'simmain' down' by speaking to the manager?
Nadine: [grabs microphone] Curtis! Need you up heah, now!
Curtis, Burger Castle Manager: Yes, ma'am. Can I hep ya?
Customer #2: [Points at Nadine] You can start by firing her.
Curtis, Burger Castle Manager: First, let me ask you; who is the 'Queen of Disco'?
Customer #2: Uh, Donna Summer?
Nadine: How she is listed in the phone book?
Customer #2: Uh, Summer, Donna?
Curtis, Burger Castle Manager: Now, slow it down.
Customer #2: Summer, Donna, Summer, Donna.
Curtis, Burger Castle Manager: That's right, now stretch it out.
Customer #2: Summmer, Donnnna, Summmmer, Donnnna.
Nadine, Curtis, Burger Castle Manager: Simma down, now! Simma Down, now!

[Jenna and Barbara are speaking in their 'secret language;' Jenna is drunk from a party]
President George W. Bush: [entering] Hey. Y'all still up? Your mother asked the chef for some more of that Crème Broule, or as I like to call it: Freedom Puddin'.
Jenna Bush: Don't-ba tell-ba him-ba I'm-ba blasted!
Barbara Bush: But it's-ba so-ba bobvious.
President George W. Bush: What are y'all talkin' about?
Jenna Bush: Tell-ba him-ba it's-ba food-ba poisoning!
President George W. Bush: I never could understand this crazy twin talk. It's hard!

[during monologue]
Man In Audience: Yeah, I saw that garbage man movie you made with your brother.
Charlie Sheen: Oh, you mean "Men At Work".
Man In Audience: You tell me.

Seth Meyers: [as Irish home-redecorator] Next, you're gonna love this part, we organizaed your potatoes with this lovely potato organizer from Ikea.
Liam Neeson: [as grizzled Irishman] I been meaning to do that.
Seth Meyers: Alright, and finally, to give this room a bit more of a dimension to it, we've moved this mirror to a more light reflecting location.
Liam Neeson: Uh... You did what?
Seth Meyers: We moved the mirror from over there to over here.
Liam Neeson: You might like to know that my mother hung that mirror there before she died.
Amy Poehler: [as wife] I told them not to do it!
Seth Meyers: Look, I'm sorry.
Liam Neeson: Don't apologize to me. Apologize to her, because you'll meet her in Heaven when I'm done with ya.
Seth Meyers: Look, we'll move it back.
Liam Neeson: It's too late. I'm gonna kill the lot of ya. And I'm startin' with the big guy.
Cameraman: Aye, bring it on, ya bastard!

Kenan Thompson: [Translating for deaf comedian] How do you know Adam and Eve weren't black?
[after long pause]
Kenan Thompson: You ever try to take a rib from a black person... Hey, hey! That's not cool. That's not cool.
[Armisen signs]
Kenan Thompson: Oh, here's a good one... Gatorade just came out with a new flavor for black people.
Richie B: [In deaf voice] Fried chicken.
Kenan Thompson: I'm not saying that.
Richie B: Fried chicken.
Kenan Thompson: I am not saying that.
Kenan Thompson: [Armisen signs again] What do you call a black guy with... Okay, okay, I am not telling this joke! But I will tell you a little something about Richie B. I mean this guy's Johnson is so small, he pees on his nuts.
[to Armisen]
Kenan Thompson: That was good. Real good.

Phil: The name's not important.
[pause]
Phil: But it's Phil.

[figuring out the truth about her monster]
Dr. Colleen Frankenstein: Oh, yeah. I've made a homo.

[after listening to Bill Clinton's opinions]
Bob Dole: Bill... you ignorant slut. Saddam Hussein is a boil that needs to be lanced, and we're gonna lance it! So why don't you and yourl little European pals just run along and have a garden party! Eat your sandwiches with the crust cut off, and watercress salad for dessert! Put on your tiny little swimsuits, frolick on the lawn! Throw a beach ball like a girl, explore the different aspects of your sexuality! And if you just step aside and let us - the British, the Spanish, and Australians - take care of business! While I've got you, here's another thing: Tell your Hillary to lay off my wife, Libby! She's a senator now! She doesn't have to take that kind of guff she's been getting from your old lady! Next time she comes home to in tears because Hillary's made some snide remark about her in the Senate cloakroom, or... she's rolling her eyes at my wife in a committee hearing, I'm gonna jump in my car, head over to the Capitol, and beat her like a rented mule! Don't think the Secret Service or Capitol police can protect her! 'Cause I know how to get the drop on her! I know every secret passageway, trap door and revolving bookcase in that building! Sooner or later, I'll get her alone! and, when I do, I'll kick her hippie behind like it's never been kicked! And by the way, I don't want to hear any more Viagra or Britney Spears jokes! I'm not ashamed of my commercial endorsements! I have a family to provide for, and... I didn't have the rich Hollywood friends buying me houses! The no-show job at Dreamworks! Or the $10 million advance on a book! Bob Dole doesn't have those things! Now, you look me in the eye and tell me that you've written one page of that book, Bill Clinton! You can't! Because you haven't written Word One! Because you are what you've always been: an indolent, borderline, sociopathic, hedonistic, sexual predator full of pointy-headed Oxford-bred socialism who would have us all dragged back to the era of Stalin, Mao, and Ho Chi Minh!

Host: For those of you who don't get the Fox network in your home, I'm not a contest winner.

Jimmy Fallon: [Announcer: Z-105] AND WE'RE BACK! Uh oh, we got a special guest in the house. Your old co-star from Full House, Dave Coulier, just walked in. Hey how's it going, Dave?
[as Sanji]
Jimmy Fallon: Hello, Mr. Coulier.
[as Tyrone]
Jimmy Fallon: Yo what up, D.C.?
[as himself]
Jimmy Fallon: Can you do me a favor, Dave? Can you talk like Bullwinkle for me? I love when you do that?
[as Bullwinkle]
Jimmy Fallon: Hey Mayr-Kate and Ashley, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat.
[as himself]
Jimmy Fallon: Ah man, he's doing Bullwinkle. That's awesome, man.
[as Bullwinkle]
Jimmy Fallon: And one thing I remember about Mary-Kate and Ashley was that when they were on the set, they were always pooping their pants.
Ashley Olsen: We were babies.
Jimmy Fallon: [blows raspberry] Oh they're at it again! I've never seen this.
Mary-Kate Olsen: Okay, we're gonna go.
Jimmy Fallon: [Blows another raspberry] Oh you ARE going. You keep going. Oh my God, gross. We'll be right back.

Phone Sex Lady: Are you my weiner man?

[the scene that got Charles Rocket fired from the show]
Charlene Tilton: Charlie, how are you feeling after you've been shot?
Charles Rocket: Oh, man, it's the first time I've been shot in my life. I'd like to know who the fuck did it.

Nadine: [Nadine is working the exchange desk at a department store] Sir, what happens when you cook greens on low heat?
Customer #1: Uh, you simmer them?
Nadine: Opposite of up?
Customer #2: Uh, down?
Nadine: Not later but...?
Customer #1: Now?
Nadine: [slams hand on counter]
[shouts]
Nadine: Simma down now! Simma down!

["Hardball with Chris Matthews"]
Chris Matthews: Mr. Ashcroft, what plans does the Justice Department have to make our country safer?
John Ashcroft: We've got some real great stuff in the works. There's one plan that would make the Arab language, or anything that sounds like it, illegal. In addition, we've gone back into ten years of old files to traxk down terrorist sleeper agents! Foremost amongst them: Shaquille O'Neal.
Chris Matthews: [chuckling] Shaquille O'Neal! Are you serious?
John Ashcroft: Yes! We learned that he was in a Middle Eastern-flavored movie, entitled "Kazaam!" I watched this film last week, and from what I can gather, it is some kind of terrorist training video!

Senator Barbara Boxer: [At the Senate confirmation hearings] Dr. Rice, how do you respond to the charges made during this hearing that you lied and manipulated facts about Iraq?
Condaleeza Rice: What? Oh, I'm sorry, Senator; I wasn't listening. I was looking at my new business cards. You know, the ones that say 'Secretary of State'.

Dana Jean Harley: [singing on the 'Country Roses' CD] When I told my husband to take the trash, I sure as hell didn't mean you. So pull up your panties and get out of the kitchen before you wake up my kids.

Dana Jean Harley: [Ad for the 'Country Roses' CD] If I told you once, I told you Twenty-five Times, TAKE YOUR HAND OFF MY HUSBAND'S PENIS! I'M TALKIN' TO YOU, PAM SMIDLEY!
Announcer: And Pam Smidley.
Pam Smidley: [Petrified look on face] I'm runnin'; I'm runnin' from an angry woman, runnin' from Dana Jean Harley.

Danny DeVito: Lighten up, Church Lady. You act like you haven't had your ticket punched since Ike carried his own golf clubs.

Tina Fey: The long-closed 70th floor of our very own Rockefeller Center is being re-opened as an observation deck. I guess Tom Brokaw and I will have to find a new place to secretely make love.

Donnatella Versace: If you were cat food, you'd be MEOW BITCH!
[turns to camera]
Donnatella Versace: Or fancy bitches.

Donatella Versace: GET OUUUUUUUT!

Office Worker: Are you wearing a tube top?
Adele: Just an elastic basket to hold my peaches.

Jimmy Fallon: [as Radio DJ] So I'm hanging out, and I am just hammered. I wake up in the morning, hung over out of my mind. As soon as I get out of bed, I step into a big pile of dog crap. Keep in mind, I got bare feet on, so folks, I'm cleaning this thing off and I'm noticing corn, I let my dog eat corn you know, chewing gum, looks like he ate a pack of rubber bands. I mean I am ready to scream at this animal, there's dookie everywhere and then I remember, I don't have a dog.

Jimmy Fallon: Folks, we got our intern Sanji joining us. Now Sanji loved your movie. What do you think, Sanji?
[In Indian accent]
Jimmy Fallon: Ra da da da da da da da da da. Oh my God, I loved New York Minute. I love it, my favorite movie.
Ashley Olsen: Thank you, Sanji.
Jimmy Fallon: [as Radio DJ] No wait a minute. Sanji, you actually liked the movie?
[as Sanji]
Jimmy Fallon: Oh yes. New York Minute, a very good movie. Ra da da da da da da da.
[In black accent]
Jimmy Fallon: Yo, Sanji, hold up.
[In regular voice]
Jimmy Fallon: Uh oh, Tyrone Washington, our weather guy is just joining us.
[as Tyrone]
Jimmy Fallon: Yo, Sanji, the only reason why your Arab ass liked that movie is because it was set in New York and it was a bomb.
[as himself]
Jimmy Fallon: Now Tyrone, come on man, that was below the line.
[as Sanji]
Jimmy Fallon: You son of a bitch, I am not an Arab. I told you this many times.
[as Tyone]
Jimmy Fallon: Oh yeah then why do you got a turbin on your head?
[as Sanji]
Jimmy Fallon: I told you I am a sheik. Why do you wear that Mets jersey? You play for the freaking Mets?
[as another man]
Jimmy Fallon: I think Sanji's gonna blow up the place, y'all.
[as Tyrone]
Jimmy Fallon: I will kill you!
[as Sanji]
Jimmy Fallon: I don't know what to do. Ra da da da da da da.
[as himself]
Jimmy Fallon: Hey guys, guys, guys. Calm down. Calm down.

[Salma Hayek launching a smear campaign against "Chicago"]
[while showing clips from "Chicago"]
Announcer: "Chicago" is dazzling. The movie of the year. 15 Golden Globes. "Chicago" is destined for Oscar gold. Or... is it?
Salma Hayek: Hello, I'm Salma Hayek. The movie "Chicago" is nominated for 13 Academy Awards. But, let's look at the facts. "Chicago" is only 113 minutes long, while other nominated movies - for example, "Frida" - is 118 minutes long. What's the matter, "Chicago"? Couldn't you come up with five more minutes? And, here's what they won't tell you about "Chicago": a musical play with the exact same name and story... has been running on Broadway for years! I call that... plaigerism. So, this Oscar season, don't vote for plaigerism; vote for "Frida".
Announcer: "Chicago"'s won plenty of stuff already. Vote "Frida". Submitted for your consideration by Salma Hayek.

[Salma Hayek contines her campaign against "Chicago]
[showing a photo of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed and a drawing of an apartment littered with "Chicago" memorabilia]
Announcer: On March 7th, CIA operatives, working in conjunction with Pakistani police, apprehended Al-Quaida mastermind Khalid Shaikh Mohammed. In his Pakistani apartment, authorities found address books, computer hard drives, and one DVD. A DVD of the movie "Chicago". In fact, Mohammed's apartment was littered with "Chicago" memorabilia.
Salma Hayek: Hi, I'm Salma Hayek. Can I conclusively say that there is a link between Al-Quaida and the movie "Chicago"?
[hesitant ]
Salma Hayek: No... I cannot. But I can tell you that the movie "Frida" does not support terrorism.
Announcer: Fight terrorism. Vote "Frida". Paid for personlaly by Salma Hayek with a personal check.

["Chicago" and Salma Hayek have gone to war]
Announcer: Recently, actress Salma Hayek has taken it upon herself to launch a smear campaign against the movie "Chicago". Her statements have been so outrageous and false, the producers of "Chicago" find it necessary to respond. First of all: The movie "Chicago" does not support terrorism. Second: RenÈe Zellweger was born a woman and has always been a woman. Third: Richard Gere is a practicing Buddhist, not a procticing rapist. That said, we'd like to extend our...
[Salma Hayek runs into the commercial and points at RenÈe Zellweger's crotch]
Salma Hayek: Don't let her fool you! Look very closely at her crotch! You can see her cojones right there! She can't win Best Actress! She's a dude! Don't believe the lies! Vote for "Frida"!
Announcer: Most of this paid for by the cast and crew of "Chicago". That one part paid for by Salma Hayek with some crumpled-up cash and a money order.

Old Lady #1: When my ex-husband passed away, the insurance company said his policy didn't cover him.
Old Lady #2: They didn't have enough money for the funeral.
Old Lady #3: It's so hard nowadays, with all the gangs and rap music.
Old Lady #1: What about robots?
Old Lady #4: Oh, they're everywhere!
Old Lady #1: I don't even know why the scientists make them.
Old Lady #2: Darren and I have a policy with Old Glory Insurance, in case we're attacked by robots.
Old Lady #1: An insurance policy with a robot plan? Certainly, I'm too old.
Old Lady #2: Old Glory covers anyone over the age of 50 against robot attack, regardless of current health.
Sam Waterston: I'm Sam Waterston, of the popular television series "Law & Order". As a senior citizen, you're probably aware of the threat robots pose. Robots are everywhere, and they eat old people's medicine for fuel. Well, now there's a company that offers coverage against the unfortunate event of a robot attack, with Old Glory Insurance. Old Glory will cover you with no health check-up or age consideration. You need to feel safe. And that's harder and harder to do nowadays, because robots may strike at any time.
Sam Waterston: [a pie chart appears, reading "Cause of Death in Persons Over 50 Years of Age": Heart Disease, 42% - Robots, 58% ] And when they grab you with those metal claws, you can't break free... because they're made of metal, and robots are strong. Now, for only $4 a month, you can achieve peace of mind in a world full of grime and robots, with Old Glory Insurance. So, don't cower under your afghan any longer. Make a choice. Old Glory Insurance. For when the metal ones decide to come for you - and they will.

["Weekend Update" closing line]
Colin Quinn: That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Host: Good evening. I'm Lawrence Flyshacker, and welcome to, "The Real Story." Tonight we continue our series on the U.S. Presidents. You know history often whitewashes itself? For example, for years it was thought that Thomas Jefferson was a man, and that his wife slept around... whereas we now know the opposite to be true. Tonight we'll go behind another of history's myths to learn, "The Real Story."
Abraham Lincoln: [Lincoln enters Ford's Theatre box, loudly and apparently drunk] Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me! Excuse me. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh.
[plops into his seat]
Abraham Lincoln: Sorry I'm late, guys, but I was freeing some Negroes! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
General: That's perfectly all right, Mr. President.
Abraham Lincoln: [Throwing his arm around his wife's shoulders] Hey, hey, hey, is this a First Lady or WHAT, huh? I just hope I'm her first man!
Mary Lincoln: Abraham, please, the play!
Abraham Lincoln: Oh, I've seen it five times, Mary...
Theatre patron: Yeah, well, some of US haven't!
Abraham Lincoln: [stands up and jeers him] Oh, well, hey, pardon me, pal, huh? What am I, just the President of the United STATES!
Abraham Lincoln: [loudly eating a candy bar; audience shushes him] SORRY! Oh, hey, I love this part! I love this. Watch this. Listen to how she tells this jerk off. Watch this.
Abraham Lincoln: [calls toward the stage] Hey, hey! You tell him, honey! YEAH! WHOOOOO!
[sits back down]
Abraham Lincoln: Some people, they just don't know how to enjoy theatre.
Theatre patron: Hey, quiet down, will ya?
Abraham Lincoln: [stands up] Hey, stick it here, pal!
[knocks drink and popcorn off balcony]
Abraham Lincoln: Whoa!
Theatre patron: Watch it!
Abraham Lincoln: Hey, I'm sorry, pal! Look, send me your cleaning bill! To my GETTYSBURG ADDRESS! Ah, ha ha ha ha!
General: Mr. President, Mr. President, I understand that the young woman taking the role of Sarah tonight is the talk of Washington.
Abraham Lincoln: Oh, yeah?
[looks through opera glasses]
Abraham Lincoln: WHOA, YEAH! Hey, I thought mine eyes had seen the glory, but get a load of that babe!
[stands up and waves toward stage]
Abraham Lincoln: Hey, hey, hey, angelpuss! Whooo, whoo, whoo! Up here, huh?
Theatre patron: [Confederate accent] Will you shut up, suh?
Abraham Lincoln: [stands up] Hey, hey, you gonna do something about it?
Theatre patron: I may, suh!
Abraham Lincoln: Yeah, you and what Confederate Army, cracker-barrel?
Theatre patron: I warned you, suh!
Abraham Lincoln: [losing temper] Yeah, well, why don't you come up here and do somethin'? What, what are you gonna do, shoot me, pal, huh?
Host: And the rest is history. Please join us next week on "The Real Story" for "Hiroshima: Insurance Fraud of the Century".

[opening monologue]
Ben Affleck: Thank you! Thannk you, thank you! It's great to be back here, this is my second time hosting "Saturday Night Live" - very exciting. A lot of you know I have a new movie coming out - "Jersey Girl" - I'm very excited about that. It's great to be back here on the East Coast - a lot of people know I'm from Boston, but what you may not know about me is that I was actually born in California. Yes. My family moved to Boston when I was about three. Here's another thing, you may not know about me - at one time... I dated Jennifer Lopez. I-it's true. You may not have been aware of that, because, maybe, you've been, say... trapped in a mine shaft for the last eighteen months. Or, maybe you just don't enjoy watching TV. Or... reading magazines. Listening to the radio. Or talking to people. Or walking down the street, say! Honestly, I was pretty shocked at, uh... all the attention we received. There was only one thing tht really bothered me, though. and that was, being referred to as - Bennifer. Thank you, sir. I mean - Bennifer. How hard is that? How hard is it to say two names, instead of one? Ben and Jennifer - Bennifer! You're not saving that much time! It was on the cover of every magazine in America, and they were selling a lot of magazines. But I did not see Dime One! That is why... I'm selling these babies right here.
[pulls out a t-shirt that reads "Bennifer"]
Ben Affleck: I had the name trademarked, printed up about 50,000 units - all sizes, 100% Egyptian cotton - beefy T's. This is a quality product, folks. However, it turns out, that, when you make a product of this quality, you ned about eight months lead-time. So, uh... they all came in last week! All 50,000 of them! Yeah. Long story short - I'm pricing them to move! $10 a piece; $15, if I sign them; for $20, I'll sign them "Bennifer"! Okay? Now... my timing was a bit off, I'm not going to get caught in a buy like that again. I'm thinking ahead - I got my bases covered for the next time. You ready?
[pulls out a second t-shirt that reads:]
Ben Affleck: Benyonce! It could happen. I mean... nobody saw the J-Lo thing coming. Or... or... how about...
[pulls out a third t-shirt that reads:]
Ben Affleck: Boprah. What, be honest - she's looking very good these days! A very attractive woman. I guess this is, maybe, a kind of a long shot, but...
[pulls out a fourth t-shirt that reads:]
Ben Affleck: Mary-Kate and Ashfleck. Now, this one is for the off-chance that I get together with Marcia Gay-Harden:
[pulls out a fifth t-shirt that reads "Ben-Gay"]
Ben Affleck: Or... or... or, or... in the unlikely, but... wonderful event - hope, hope - that Matt finally comes around. All right! We've got a great show! We've got 2-for-1 t-shirts in the back! N.E.R.D. is here! Stick around, we'll be right back!

[first show after 9/11]
Lorne Michaels: Can we be funny?
Mayor Giuliani: Why start now?

Nicholas Cage: My God, they must think I'm the biggest jerk they've ever had on the show.
Lorne Michaels: No, that would be Steven Seagal.

[Wayne is playing Truth or Dare with Madonna]
Madonna: Have you ever made love with two women at the same time?
Wayne Campbell: Shyea.
Madonna: I believe you... NOT.

Kevin Nealon: In health news, scientists have announced the invention of a women's condom. The condom works by fitting snugly over a woman's wine glass.

Matt Foley: Hello kids, my name is Matt Foley, and I live in a VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER.

["Weekend Update" closing line]
Kevin Nealon: I'm Kevin Nealon and that's news to me.

Tim Meadows: Did he say anything about people getting hurt?
Lorne Michaels: He said something after the ratings thing, but I really wasn't listening.

["Weekend Update" opening line]
Chevy Chase: Good evening. I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not.

Announcer: And now, it's time for 'Weekend Update' with Chevy Chase!
Chevy Chase: [on the phone] No, honey; blow is just an expression, of course I…
[notices the camera]
Chevy Chase: Uh, I'll call you later. Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase and you're not!

[Sean Connery is a contestant on "Celebrity Jeopardy."]
Alex Trebek: Mr. Connery, despite your best efforts, you answered the question correctly.

Ross Perot: Now, I think the deficit is like a crazy old aunt that lives in the cellar: everybody knows she's down there, but nobody wants to talk about her. Well, I say bring her on up and give the bitch a good hosing.

Donatella Versace: Get out of here before I love you too much... GET OUT.

Wayne Campbell: Wayne's World. Wayne's World. Party time. Excellent.

["Weekend Update" closing line]
Dennis Miller: That's the news, and I am OUTTA HERE.

Dana Carvey, Dennis Miller, Tom Hanks: Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! Jingle all the way! Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh, *babe*! Dashing through the snow, in a one-horse open sleigh, over the fields we go, laughing all the way
[all brush hair over shoulder]
Dana Carvey, Dennis Miller, Tom Hanks: ahhh. Bells on bobtails ring...
Dana Carvey: Wait, what the hell is a bobtail?
Tom Hanks: You're a stupid pain in the ass, just sing the freakin' song!
Dennis Miller: Guess what folks, that's the news...
Dana Carvey, Dennis Miller, Tom Hanks: ...and
[shouts]
Dana Carvey, Dennis Miller, Tom Hanks: we are outta here!

Dennis Miller: [singing an off-key, parodied version of Cat Stevens' "Moonshadow."] I'm being followed by a big Muslim, big Muslim, big Muslim. Biiiig Muslim, Big Muslim!
[smirks at cheering audience, goes on to sing "Father and Son"]
Dennis Miller: If it was them, I'd agree, but it was not me, it's so hard, so hard, and now I must go away.
[turns to other camera, smirking while audience cheers]
Dennis Miller: [swings chair back around to face other camera, this time singing "Wild World"] Ooooooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world!
[makes guitar sound]
Dennis Miller: Ba-na-na-na-na!

Dana Carvey, Dennis Miller, Tom Hanks: Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! Jingle all the way! Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh, BABE! Dashing through the snow, in a one-horse open sleigh, over the fields we go, laughing all the way
[all brush hair over shoulder]
Dana Carvey, Dennis Miller, Tom Hanks: ahhh. Bells on bobtails ring...
Dana Carvey: Wait, what the hell is a bobtail?!
Tom Hanks: You're a stupid pain in the ass, just sing the freakin' song!
Dennis Miller: Guess what folks, that's the news...
Dana Carvey, Dennis Miller, Tom Hanks: ...and WE ARE OUTTA HERE!

Dennis Miller: [Ssnging an off-key, parodied version of Cat Stevens' "Moonshadow."] I'm being followed by a big Muslim, big Muslim, big Muslim. BIIIIIIG MUSLIM, Big Muslim!
[smirks at cheering audience, goes on to sing "Father and Son"]
Dennis Miller: If it was them, I'd agree, but it was not me, it's so hard, so hard, and now I must go away.
[turns to other camera, smirking while audience cheers.]
Dennis Miller: [swings chair back around to face other camera, this time singing "Wild World"] . OOOOOOOOOOH, baby, baby, it's a wild world!
[makes guitar sound]
Dennis Miller: Ba-na-na-na-na!

Uncle Jemima: Do you like drinkin'? Well, do ya like drinkin'? Well, who the heck don't?

Norm MacDonald: Who are safer drivers? Men or women? Well, according to a new survey, 55% of adults feel that women are most responsible for minor fenderbenders, while 78% blame men for most fatal crashes. Please note that the percentages in these pie graphs do not add up to 100% because the math was done by a woman.
[audience laughs or hisses]
Norm MacDonald: For those of you hissing at that joke, it should be uh noted that that joke was written by a woman. So, now you don't know what the hell to do, do ya? Nah, I'm just kidding. We don't hire women.

Kevin Nealon: [adding onto a report on the Weekend Update] ... and in addition, two plus two equals four.

Norm MacDonald: [as Burt Reynolds on Jepordy, selecting "A Petit Dejuner" the the list] Yeah, I'll take ape tit for $200.

Stevie Nicks: Hi, I'm Stevie Nicks. Do you like my band Fleetwood Mac? And do you like flautas, quesadillas and other Tex Mex specialties? Then you'll love my new resteraunt in Sedona, Arizona: "Stevie Nick's Burrito Round-Up".
[sound of whip is heard]
Stevie Nicks: Back in the 70s I devoted myself to witchcraft, Lindsey Buckingham and cocaine. Now I devote myself to a mexican dining experience you'll never forget.
[singing to the tune of Rhiannon]
Stevie Nicks: "Chicken fajitas taste real nice, wouldn't you like to eat them? My chips and salsa are mighty fine. No one 'round here can beat them." In my restaurant you'll hear me singing the songs that made me famous while dining on the best mexican food in the southwest. Like our house specialty: Burrito Dreams.
[singing to the tune of Dreams]
Stevie Nicks: "Now here you go again, you say you want burritos. I sure hope you can keep 'em down. It's all in flour tortillas, you can wrap around your meat. And listen, have you any beans you'd like to sell. It's a loneliness..." When Mic Fleetwood and I first started making music together back in 1968, I had a dream about serving mexican food in a restaurant.
[singing to the tune of Gold Dust Woman]
Stevie Nicks: "Rock on beef tostada. Take your silver spoon full of beans and rice." So if you're ever in Arizona and are craving a little Mexican food, or a vegitarian burrito, remember there's a place just for you.
[singing to the tune of Landslide]
Stevie Nicks: "You placed an order, I wrote it down. Beef enchilada, the best in town. Then I saw my reflection in a big pile of nachos. And the Landslide brought it down. Mmm-mmm."

Little Richard Simmons: Ready? Let's exercise! A-wop-bop-a-loo-bop-a-wop-bam-boom! Know a gal named Daisy; the bitch is fat and lazy. Know a gal named Daisy; the bitch is fat and lazy. She flabby to the east; she flabby to the west; the girl got big old floppy breasts!Wooooooo!

John Kerry: You know, this president likes to talk about how I called the war in Iraq "the wrong war in the wrong place at the wrong time;" that a few days later, how I said that anyone who doesn't think the world is a safer place without Saddam Hussein is not fit to be Commander-in-Chief. But what he doesn't tell you is that when I denounced the war in Iraq, I was speaking to an anti-war group, and when I endorsed the war, I was addressing a pro-war delegation from the U.G.A. The fact of the matter is, I have consistently supported the war in front of pro-war audiences and condemned it in front of groups that oppose it. That is not flip-flopping, that is pandering, and America deserves a president who knows the difference.

Megan: Oh my God, Randy this is so awkward you walking on me and Zac like this. I think we should be adults about this and lay our cards on the table, I never meant to hurt you.
Zac: What are you talking about?
Megan: Oh nothing.
Randy Goldman: See you later man, Later Mandy.
Megan: Later Randy, my name's Megan.

[Aerosmith are guests on "Wayne's World"]
Garth Algar: Ok, this question's for Steven: Are those your real lips or did you get implants like Barbara Hershey in the movie "Beaches"?
Steven Tyler: B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b. They mine, man.
Garth: BITCHIN'. BITCHIN' LIPS.

Vito Corleone: ...the ASPCA is after me about this "horse" thing.

Danny DeVito: Well, the film is called "Tin Men." It's about two aluminum siding salesmen during the 1950s and one of the men has an affair with the other man's wife.
Church Lady: [as the Church Lady] Mmmm, I see. And what is our rating, Daniel? Could it be "R"?

Bruce Dickinson: Guess what... I got a fever and the only prescription... is more cowbell.

Christopher Walken: Babies, babies. By the time I'm done with you, you will all be wearing gold plated diapers.

The Continental: I should chase after her. For she is my ride.

[on the new TV ratings system affecting SNL]
Lorne Michaels: There was a time where I would have condemned this ratings system as censorship. But I have children. Two adorable boys. And frankly, I don't want them watching this crap.

[Garth and Wayne are meeting Aerosmith]
Garth Algar: Oh my God, Wayne. I-I think I'm gonna HURL.
Wayne Campbell: Now, Garth, if you hurl, then I'm gonna spew. And if I spew, chances are someone else is gonna honk, all right? And if that happens it could set off a peristaltic chain reaction.

Norm Macdonald: [on Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett's divorce] Julia Roberts said that the turning point in their marriage was when she realized that she was Julia Roberts and that she was married to Lyle Lovett.

Norm Macdonald: Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile.

Jimmy Fallon: Next week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, fatsos.

[Opening lines of the first sketch]
Teacher: Repeat after me. I would like...
Student: "I would like..."
Teacher: ...to feed your fingertips...
Student: "... to feed your fingertips..."
Teacher: ...to the wolverines.
Student: "... to the wolverines."

Ferecito: You know, when I first moved to this country, I was in third grade. And all the other kids in my school where white, Americanos. And I noticed, that when I went to the urinal to take a leak, my pene was bigger than all the other kids. So I went home to my grandmother, I say, "Abuelita. Why is my pene bigger than other kids? Because I'm Latino?" She said, "No. Because you're 23."

Robert De Niro: Who're you supposed to be?
Colin Quinn: Colin Quinn.

Norm Macdonald: Kenny G will be releasing a CD fully comprised of Christmas songs. Happy birthday, Jesus - HOPE YOU LIKE CRAP.

RenÈe Zellweger: You know what they say in Texas, Chris: "Bobcat can eat all the chili he wants, doesn't mean he's gonna crap diamonds."

Office Worker: You know, you are really bad at innuendo.
Adele: Well, I want you bad in my end-o.

Eminem: Yo, I don't know what you two are so happy about - You guys should called each other the fruit parole and arrest yourselves.

Chris Kattan: Eminem, don't care where you melt. But today you get the rude award.
Iceman: You guys are dangerous.

Iceman: [as Iceman] You guys are dangerous.
Pilot: Tom, I'm gonna ask you to stop saying that.

Sean Connery: I pose a conundrum to you, a riddle if you will.
Alex Trebek: [as Alex Trebeck] I don't want to hear it.
Sean Connery: What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold. One's a sick duck... I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore.

Iceman: Hell of a bird, had this baby up to mach 3 yesterday.
Pilot: You were going mach 3 on a 727?
Iceman: I was shaving with a Mach 3. When you shave with a Mach 3, you have no time to think. You think, you're dead.

Antonio Banderas: I think I just coughed up my nards. No, wait, it could be grapes. No, it is my nards.

Jimmy Fallon: Last week, the son of the author of "The Birds", Daphne du Maurier, reported that he was attacked by birds outside of his apartment. Scared, son of whoever wrote "The Blob"?

Jackie Rogers Jr.: This is the most effective memory enhancement drug on the market. It'll improve your short-term memory. It'll improve your long-term memory. And most of all, it'll improve your short-term memory.

Mango: Can you pay a rainbow to be less beautiful?
Jennifer Lopez: Can you piss off a Puerto Rican and live to tell about it?

Laraine Newman: That's TERRIFIC bass.

Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you ignorant slut!

[on "Celebrity Jeopardy."]
Sean Connery: I'll take "The Rapists" for $100.
Alex Trebek: That's "therapists", not "the rapists".

[on "Celebrity Jeopardy."]
Sean Connery: I'll take "Famous Titties" for $400.
Alex Trebek: That's "Famous Titles", not "Famous Titties".

Adam Sandler: [singing] You gotta gish/You gotta gash/You gotta wax Grandma's mustache/And lay out socks and make sure they match. Whoa yeah, you gotta help out your Grandma.

Adam Sandler: [singing] You gotta dip/You gotta doodle/You gotta shave Grandma's poodle/'Cause Grandma would so the same for you. You gotta libby/You gotta labby/You gotta hug Grandma even though she's flabby. 'Cause you should know Grandmas are people too. Oh, you gotta love your Grandma. Now if you listen to the words of this song/You know they're coming straight from the heart/Never make fun of your Grandma, even when she rips a juicy fart/You gotta dip/You gotta doodle/You gotta stop playing with your noodle/'Cause Grandma said it'll make you go blind/You gotta gipper/You gotta giper/You gotta change Grandma's diaper/And then pretend you really didn't mind. Whoa-Respect to the Grandma.

Parent: My kid saw that Tim Allen movie nine times. He loves Santa.
Dan Aykroyd: Kid, let me tell you something. I did time with Tim Allen. He's real people but he's no Santa Claus.

[Punk'd spoof]
50 Cent: Whoa I'm not going in there, there's a vampire in my bathroom.
[the vampire, Dax, walks out, and 50 cent shoots him to death]
Ashton Kutcher: Whoa. 50 Cent you just got Punk'd! You didn't know you were going to kill somebody, and Dax didn't know he was going to get killed! Double Punk'd! I am so awesome!

Burt Reynolds: That was a funny dog, Scooby-Doo. He rode around in a van and solved mysteries.
Alex Trebek: That is incorrect.
Burt Reynolds: No, it's correct. He had a pal Scrappy.

Alex Trebek: French Stewart? The sound a dog makes.
French Stewart: Um... Who is John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band, thank you very much. I'll take Animal Sounds for 800.
Alex Trebek: No. Good lord. We would've accepted "bow wow" or "ruff."
Sean Connery: Oh, rough. Just the way your mother likes it, eh Trebek?

George W. Bush: I'm gonna be around for a long time. On the job, making the tough decisions 24/7. That's 24 hours a week, 7 months a year.

Norm Macdonald: The Rolling Stones reunited for a twenty-fifth anniversary tour last week. Keith Richards said that he's happy to continue to do what he's been doing for the past twenty-five years: cheating death.

[about the 1997 Marlins-Indians World Series]
Norm Macdonald: Well, you've said a lot about the mascots, Harry, but what about the players?
Harry Caray: They won't be a factor, Norm. Trust me.

Harry Caray: Hey, if you were a hot dog, and you were starving, would you eat yourself?
Colin Quinn: I don't know.
Harry Caray: Don't jerk me around, Norm, it's a simple question. A baby could answer it. If you were a hot dog, and you were starving, would you eat yourself?
Colin Quinn: I guess so.
Harry Caray: Oh, you made a wise choice, my friend.

George H.W. Bush: [talking about George W. Bush] You always were a little bit slow. The doctors call it dyslexia. But when you were younger we just called it retardation...

Colin Quinn: You know how you go to your favorite bar, and your local bartender isn't there? You ask, "Where's Jeff?" "Jeff no longer works here, I'm Steve." Then you're thinking, hey, who's this idiot? I like Jeff. But you still want your drink. And even though Steve doesn't mix your drink the same way you're used to, like Jeff, you still like the bar. You don't want to have to go to a different bar. And even Steve might feel kinda bad because Jeff trained him. Jeff showed him how to work the cash register, where the tonic was on the soda gun, who tips, who doesn't. Well, I'm Steve. What can I get you?

[Jennifer Lopez is the host]
Tracy Morgan: Live from New York, it's Jennifer Lopez's booty!

Tina Fey: Britney Spears and John Cusack are rumored to be dating. Which goes really well 'cause Britney wants to start an acting career and John wants to bone Britney Spears.

Langford T. Belmont: So when it comes time to fix that refrigerator magnet or put together a little house of popsicle sticks, you don't want some cheap synthetic glue. You want pure mutilated horse paste.

Kevin Nealon: [after the audience groans at a gag on "Weekend Update"] Don't blame me. I just thought of it, wrote it, and delivered it.

[after the 9/11 attacks]
President George W. Bush: Good evening, America. I'd like to address my remarks tonight to Mr. Osama bin Laden. Buddy, you screwed up big time. Guess what, Amigo. I'm coming to get you. I'm not alone, either. The American people are right behind me. You see, you made a big mistake. If you had any brains, you would have challenged me to a game of Scrabble. Or maybe a Beard-Off. You might have won that because I don't have a beard. And when I do, it comes in patchy. But no, you messed up. Because if there's one thing I'm good at, it's punishing evil-doers. You don't believe me, there's over 200 guys in Texas you can ask. Well... you can't ask them right now, but you'll have a chance real soon. And I'm sorry I wasn't there to see your face when you went to the Kabul ATM to get some Quick-Cash. I bet it said "Insufficient Funds". That's right - we froze your assets. It probably ate your card, too. Make no mistake: we're coming for you, bin Laden. I'm gonna make you my own personal "Where's Waldo". And unlike those frustrating Waldo books, I'm gonna find you. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but maybe tomorrow. There might be special operatives outside your cave right now, who knows? Just remember, I'll see you real soon. Because you violated rule Numero Uno: You messed with Texas. That's right. Don't mess with Texas.

[Celebrity Jeopardy]
Alex Trebek: Mr. Keaton?
Michael Keaton: I'm Batman.
Alex Trebek: No, you are not.

[Celebrity Jeopardy]
Alex Trebek: Mr. Brando chose to speak to a puppet instead of participating. Maybe the puppet wrote down an answer.
[Shows answer]
Alex Trebek: You wrote "poop". This must be a proud moment for you, Mr. Brando.

["Weekend Update" opening]
Norm MacDonald: Good evening, this is the fake news.

Norm Macdonald: A new medical report says that drug use is up in high school students.
[Norm holds up a handful of money]
Norm Macdonald: [slyly] Don't I know it?

[on "Weekend Update", the FBI's sketch of the Unabomber is shown]
Norm Macdonald: Earlier this week, the FBI released this sketch of the Unabomber. Shortly afterward, a warrant was issued for the arrest of "Weird Al" Yankovic.

[on Weekend Update]
Tina Fey: Britney Spears has married Jason Alexander. In other news, Christina Aguilera 69'd Newman.

Tina Fey: The preliminary hearing in Kobe Bryant's rape trial turned ugly on Thursday when Pamela Mackey, Bryant's lawyer, "accidentally" said his accuser's name in court, violating Colorado privacy laws. And, after being admonished by the judge, Mackey went on to repeat the woman's name five times, which is really bad, cause, what lawyer Pamela Mackey did by mentioning the woman's name, is to put her at risk of further harassment. A lawyer like, Pamela Mackey, of the Colorado firm, Haddon, Morgan, Muller, George, Mackey and Foreman, which is probably in the 303 area code, should know that people can go on the internet and look up any name like Joe Smith or, I don't know, Pamela Mackey, and learn everything about them and call them and mess with them. So, be more careful, lawyer Pamela Mackey, 'cause I heard a rumor that you're a little unstable and you like to give wabblejobs to homeless guys, and I want you to focus up and win this trial. I'm Pamela Mackey. Back to you, Pamela Mackey.

Sean Connery: I'll take "anal bum cover" for 500.
Alex Trebek: That's "an album cover."

["Newlyweds" parody]
Nick Lachey: To be honest, she can't even cure a ham.
Jessica Simpson: Aww, is the ham sick?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Sometimes, when I'm really nervous, I stick my hands in my armpits, and I smell them.
[Sniffs]
Mary Katherine Gallagher: Aaah...

Tina Fey: In other news, Courtney Love took out a restraining order against an alleged stalker this week. Courtney, please, I know we can work it out if you'll give me a chance, please
[blows a kiss]

Chevy Chase: And now with tonight's commentary; Miss Emily Litella.
Emily Litella: Thank you, cheddar. What's all this talk about violins on tv? I think we need more violins and less of that loud rock music. And furthermore...
Chevy Chase: Uh, excuse me; Miss Litella. It's violence on TV, not violins.
Emily Litella: Oh. Never mind.

Jarret: If I go out with you, will you let me play with your breasts?
Amy Yablonski: Let you? I'll make you.

Dan Aykroyd: In order to perform the experiment, we need one ounce of marijuana. Weekend update correspondent Garrett Morris was sent into one of our urban neighborhoods to provide us with one ounce of marijuana. This bag contains one ounce, Garrett, it feels light. This isn't a full ounce. We gave you money for one ounce, you're going to have to go back and get more.
Garrett Morris: Man, don't make me go back there! Those guys will kill me!
Dan Aykroyd: We need one full ounce not .97 ounce of marijuana for the experiment.
[Morris leaves]
Dan Aykroyd: In other news
[phone rings]
Dan Aykroyd: ...
Dan Aykroyd: Hello. Thank you. This just in; Garrett Morris is dead. The Weekend Update correspondent was found dead in an alley, the victim of a senseless killing. Another drug related death, Jane.

Chevy Chase: And now, as a service for our viewers, here is Garrett Morris to provide the headlines for the hard of hearing. Today's top story; Generallisimo Francisco Franco is still dead
Garrett Morris: [shouting] Today's top story: Generallisimo Francisco Franco is still dead.

Lorne Michaels: [on Christina Aguilera's outfit] You're right. Let's whore it up.

George Lucas: [regarding criticism to the Star Wars prequels] You know, if you don't like it, don't go see it. Guess what? I'm gonna be fine either way. I've got billions!

Jimmy Fallon: According to a new report, half of all you Americans will get a sexually transmitted disease by the age of 25.
[looks into camera, smirks evily]
Jimmy Fallon: You're welcome!

Jimmy Fallon: Experts said Monday that doctors are seeing an alarming rise in drug-resistant cases of gonorrhea.
[camera zooms in on Jimmy, smirks evily]
Jimmy Fallon: Again, you're welcome.

Mrs. T.: [Commercial for Mr. and Mrs. T Bloody Mary Mix]
[shouting]
Mrs. T.: 'scuse me! It's me and my husband, Mr. T for Mr. and Mrs. T Bloody Mary Mix!I pity the fool how doesn't use it! I'll kill him to death, but I'll pity him first!
Mr. T.: I pity the foo'!
Mrs. T.: First, take some vodka! Then add Mr. and Mrs. T Bloody Mary Mix! Then drink it! That's bad! Grrrr! So get Mr. and Mrs. T's Bloody Mary Mix!
Mr. T.: Buy it or I'll kill ya!

Mister Robinson: Mister Robinson:
[singing]
Mister Robinson: It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, it's a beautiful day for a neighbor, would you be mine? / I'd sure like to live in a house like yours, my friend / Maybe when there's nobody home, I'll break in. I married a woman who said she was rich / 'Spent all her money, walked out on the bitch / Would you be mine? Won't you be my neighbor?

Jimmy Fallon: [as radio DJ] ... and we're back!

Jimmy Fallon: AND WE'RE BACK! Folks, special guests with us here: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. How are we doing over there, Mary-Kate?
Ashley Olsen: Actually, I'm Ashley.
Jimmy Fallon: Whatever. Look, let's talk about this movie you guys did. That thing really bombed, didn't it? I'm serious, man, that thing was a stinker, man. That thing stank worse than Andrea's underpants. Man in the box! New York Minute- terrible film. Don't go see it.
[Blows raspberry]
Jimmy Fallon: Oh my God, Mary-Kate just farted. 5:22 AM, we'll be right back.

Christina Aguilera: You guys don't get it. You're buying into this same double standard about men and women that I sing about on my records. Weren't you listening to any of the lyrics I was singing about on stage?
[sings lyrics from "Can't Hold Us Down"]
Christina Aguilera: I'm just expressing myself on being open and comfortable in my female sexuality, and, being, you know, strong and secure in my artistic ability.
[Ozzy Osbourne screams and crashes on the table]
Christina Aguilera: Oh my God! What just happened?
Sharon Osbourne: Oh my God! You made Ozzy think!

Medical Reporter: [singing] Everybody doesn't like something; but nobody doesn't like... orgasms. For years it was thought that there was only one type of orgasm; however, thanks to research and our new found friend Mr. G-Spot, scientists have been able to identify several different types of orgasms. For example, people who have sex in sports cars experience Four-on-the-Floorgasms. Women who have sex with a few good men have Marine Corpsgasms; while Lou Grant experienced Mary Tyler Mooregasms. Mrs. Abraham Lincoln often had Four Scoregasms. Newlyweds often have Lets-do-it-'til-we're soregasms, while married couples later have I've-got-mine-you-get-yourgasms. Incidentally, women who are still having trouble reaching orgasm should call this man.
[Shows picture]
Medical Reporter: His name is Tim Kazurinsky and he is available at any time to help you with this problem.
Brad Hall: Wait a minute. This is the worst thing you have ever done. Go, just leave.

Norm Macdonald: Actor Christian Slater was let out of prison for one night to attend the premiere of his new movie Hard Rain. Fifteen minutes into the film, Mr. Slater asked to be escorted back to prison.

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. I thought we were done with this, but Regis Philbin, that mongel idiot, decided to do a Celebrity Millionaire, and network competition being what it is, I stand before you a broken and miserable man.

RenÈe Zellweger: [reading from 'Renee Zellweger's Diary] Hosting Saturday Night Live has been so much fun. Everyone has been so nice to me; especially Chris Kattan. You know, if I wasn't so sure he was gay, I'd think he was trying to hit on me.

Jimmy Fallon: As a gesture of gratitude, Kirsten Dunst bought a house for her parents, and as a geasture of gratitude to my parents, I finally moved out of their house.

Paul Simon: [singing in a Turkey Outfit] I met my old lover on the street last night. She seemed so glad to see me, I just smiled. And we talked about the old times and we drank ourselves some beers. Still Crazy After all these years. Oh! Still Crazy After All These Years

Mister Robinson: Do you know what these are, boys and girls? These are drums. Do you know where drums come from? They come from Africa.
[Sits down, begins playing and singing]
Mister Robinson: It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight...
[phone rings]
Mister Robinson: This is how you answer a phone in my neighborhood. WHAT IS IT? LOUD? NAH, THAT AIN'T LOUD; THIS IS LOUD!
[Blows a whistle into the phone, sits down and begins playing the drums again]
Mister Robinson: .
Mr. T.: [Beating on the door] Robinson! Robinson! I told you to stop beatin' them drums!
Mister Robinson: That's my new neighbor, boys and girls. But, don't worry, I put a new lock on the door. He can't get in hear.
[Starts playing the drums again]
Mr. T.: [Kicks in door, walks in and grabs Mr. Robinson by the neck] Hello, boys and girls; the word for today, 'pain'.
[to Mr. Robinson]
Mr. T.: Sing the song.
Mister Robinson: [singing] A very happy tomorrow to you.
Mr. T.: [choking Robinson] Good night, boys and girls.

Z105 DJ: Hey guys, guys, guys! I gotta say something here. Somebody farted again. I think it was Ashley.
Ashley Olsen: I didn't fart.
Z105 DJ: Alright, there you have it, folks, Mary-Kate Olsen farted. She's shaking her head. Yes, she's proud of it.
Mary-Kate Olsen: I did not fart.
Z105 DJ: [blows raspberry] Oh my God. That's disgusting. It's like chemicals. I swear it smells like rotten hot dogs and humus up in here. I just threw up in my mouth. 5:28 AM, we'll be right back.
[the Olsen twins get up to leave]
Z105 DJ: Hey where are you going? We just got here.
Mary-Kate Olsen: You're a creep.

Amy Poehler: Kerry further seperated himself from the audience by later mentioning that he, President Bush, and moderator Charlie Gibson were the only people in the room rich enough to benefit from a Bush tax cut. Prompting this woman to jump out from the audience and yell "Bitch, you don't know my life!"

Tina Fey: When Martha Stewart reported to prison yesterday, she was subjected to an invasive strip search that included a squat and cough, during which she laid two perfect blue speckled eggs.

Tina Fey: Jennifer Aniston and Helen Hunt have taped Public Service Announcemnts urging single women to vote. In a Weekend Update exclusive, we have obtained the scripts to the TV spots.
Amy Poehler: [clears throat] Hi, I'm Emmy Award winner Jennifer Aniston.
Tina Fey: And I'm Academy Award winner Helen Hunt.
Amy Poehler: And we're here to remind single women, on November 2nd, don't leave the voting booth as empty as your womb.
Tina Fey: Because even though you're currently alone, their is one box you can stuff. The ballot box.
Amy Poehler: So remember ladies, vote or die. Alone.

Amy Poehler: Afghanistan's first free election was held today. And as expected, the winner by a landslide was chaos. Utter chaos.

Tyrone Green: Dark and lonely on a summer's night. Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord. Watchdog barking. Do he bite? Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord. Slip in his window. Break his neck. Then his house I start to wreck. Got no reason. What the heck? Kill my landlord. Kill my landlord. C-I-L my land lord!

George Bush: [during the 1988 Presidential debates] What am I going to do? Can't say. Wouldn't be prudent. Got to watch out for the vision thing. Wouldn't be prudent.
Michael Dukakis: [looking in the camera] I can't believe I'm losing to this guy.

George H.W. Bush: [during the 1988 Republican Presidential Debate] See, See! That's why people say Bob Dole is mean spirited; because of things like that!
Bob Dole: Now, hold on a minute, Mr. Bush. You know, I know, everyone knows where Bob Dole stands on the issues. I am not mean spirited; and if you call me that again, I'll stick my pen up your ass.

Reverend Jesse Jackson: [during the 1988 Democratic presidential debates] We have come a long way; from the field house to the big house, from the big house to the White House ,
[loses his train of thought]
Reverend Jesse Jackson: uh, to the outhouse, uh...

[misreading the Jeopardy category "An Album Cover" as "Anal Bum Cover"]
Sean Connery: I spent the better part of my life trying to perfect an anal bum cover. It can't be done.

Alex Trebek: And the answer is: You would normally drink water out of one of these.
[Sean Connery buzzes in]
Alex Trebek: Sean Connery?
Sean Connery: A leather glove.

Jimmy Fallon: [on Weekend Update] Mike Myers has announced plan to star in a live action version of Dr. Seuss's The Cat in the Hat. Woody Allen immediately announced plans to star in a live action version of 'Hop on Pop'.

Pregnant patient: [in the Appalachian Emergency Room] Ok, it was like this. We was bored so we hooked up this kid's big wheel to the back of my husband's truck. It was fun until we hit that first red light and then I went flying into the cab of the truck and landed on this toilet seat with a rubber ducky attached and now I got a big old stomachache.
ER attendant: Uh Huh; I think you're pregnant.
Pregnant patient: I can't be pregnant; I ain't had sex in nine months!
ER attendant: OK, Room six.
Pregnant patient: Oh and my husband says he would love some medical marijuana.

Debbie Downer: [meeting Paris Hilton] Hi, it's nice to meet you. I really enjoy your show. Isn't it embarassing to dress like a slut all of the time?

Tina Fey: When Stevie Wonder attended the Presidential Honors awards last week, President Bush greeted him by waving at him across the room. Realizing his faux pas, Mr. Bush remarked to his wife, 'Gee, do you think he saw that?'

[Asked to Describe his statements in a Presidential Debate between him and Al Gore in one word]
George W. Bush: Strategery.

Alex Trebek: [on Celebrity Jeopardy] Well, once again it's time for Final Jeopardy and none of our contestants have any money. So here's the Final Jeopardy answer. You know what, this is too hard so I'll just make something up. Write down your favorite food; a food you like to eat, or something someone else likes to eat, or just lie. I don't care. Ok, let's go to John Travolta. He wrote down 'Miso', a type of Italian soup. What was your wager? You wrote down 'horny'; 'miso horny'.
John Travolta: C'mon; it's funny!
Alex Trebek: No, it isn't. Next, Burt Reynolds; and you wrote down 'Look on Keaton's back'
[Resignedly]
Alex Trebek: OK, Michael Keaton, turn around. You put a 'kick me' sign on his back.
Burt Reynolds: That's funny, he didn't know it was back there.
Alex Trebek: No, it's not. Michael Keaton, what did you write? 'Val Kilmer sucks' and your wager 'George Clooney sucks'.
Alex Trebek: Well, there you have it; once again no one won any money so no money goes to charity.
Burt Reynolds: I won.
Alex Trebek: No, you didn't.
Burt Reynolds: Yes, I did.
Alex Trebek: No, you didn't. Join us next time on Celebrity Jeopardy.
Burt Reynolds: I won.
Alex Trebek: No, you didn't.

Sen. Richard Lugar: [at the Senate confirmation hearing] Okay, let's wind this up and confirm this lady. I have tickets for "The Lion King" tonight. Dr. Rice, would you like to close with a few buzzwords?
Condaleeza Rice: Uh, okay - Axis of Evil, war on terrorism, with us or against us, blah, blah, blah.
Sen. Richard Lugar: Okay, let's vote.
Sen. John Kerry: Just one minute, Senator - I have a question.
Sen. Richard Lugar: Okay, Senator Kerry, make it fast.
Sen. John Kerry: First, let me say that there's nowhere else I'd rather be than here conducting the business of the Senate. However, my inauguration would have featured both poet laureate Bob Dylan and the incomparable Savion Glover bringing in both "Da Noise" and "Da Funk".
Sen. Richard Lugar: Excuse me, Senator Kerry, do you have a question?
Sen. John Kerry: Technically, I do not.
Sen. Richard Lugar: But, you said you did!
Sen. John Kerry: Okay, then, I do. Dr. Rice, do you agree that that would have been a wonderful inauguration?
Condaleeza Rice: [not listening] Uh, yes. Wait, I mean No!

Alex Trebek: [Burt Reynolds has changed his name to "Turd Ferguson"] Okay, Burt Reynolds.
Burt Reynolds: That's not my name.
Alex Trebek: Okay, "Turd Ferguson".
Burt Reynolds: Yeah, whaddaya want?
Alex Trebek: You buzzed in!
Burt Reynolds: No, I didn't.
Alex Trebek: Yes, you did.
Burt Reynolds: Yeah, well, that's your opinion.

Amy Poehler: [on Weekend Update] Britney Spears and Kevin Federline announced their engagement today. In other news, officials at the National Zoo announced plans to attempt to mate rare pandas Ling-Ling and Pao-Pao. Officials have announced that the mating will take place in private and with minimal news coverage. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for Dum-Dum and Yo-Yo
[shows picture of Kevin and Britney]

Amy Poehler: [On Weekend Update] People magazine has named Angelina Jolie the sexiest woman in America. Well, Miss Jolie, you may be the most beautiful woman, the sexiest star and you may have the attentions of all the men in America including Brad Pitt, but were you ever named "Baby-sitter of the Year" for the Pittsburgh area? I didn't think so, but I was. So, suck it, "Miss Perfect" or I'll crawl up your perfect little ass and slap you in that sofa bed you call a mouth! And furthermore...
Tina Fey: Excuse me, Amy. This just in - Angelina Jolie has just been named "Baby-sitter of the Year" for the Pittsburgh area.
Amy Poehler: No! No! Damn you, Angelina Jolie!

George H.W. Bush: [training Dubya on how to speak to the press] Now, son, try it again.
George W. Bush: No, you're giving me a headache! Can I just go get a Poptart?

Alex Trebek: Let's just go with FOREIGN FLICKS for 800.
Sean Connery: [buzzes in] Ursula Andress, Catherine Deneuve, and Charo twice.
Alex Trebek: That's foreign FLICKS, Mr. Connery.

Customer #2: [at the department store return desk] This is insane! You people can't even handle a simple shirt return! What are you going to do during the holidays?
Nadine: Deck the halls, now!
Roy, Return Desk Manager: Light Menorah, now!
[frustrated, Customer #2 walks off]
Nadine: Who next, now!
Customer #3: Yes, I'd like to return this.
Nadine: What!
Customer #3: [slams hand on counter] Take it back, now!
Nadine: Ok, uh, Roy?
Roy, Return Desk Manager: I'm on it.
[begins filling out paperwork]

Linda Richman: Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic. The Romanesque church design is based on the Roman basilica, discuss.

Phillip: How old are you?
Grace: I'm six.
Phillip: I'm six and a half.
Grace: I'm six and three quarters.
Phillip: I'm six and four fifths.
Grace: I'm six and infinity.
Phillip: I'm six and infinity... plus one.

Phillip: How come you don't wear a harness?
Grace: My mom doesn't believe in them. She thinks they're cruel.
Phillip: My mom thinks it's very necessary. I'm hypoglycemic and hyperactive. I'm a hyper-hypo.

Kenneth Rees Evans: Hello, I'm Kenneth Rees Evans and welcome to another episode of... Theatre Stories. My first guest tonight is Sir William St. John Stives Smythe Kersey, or "Knobby" as he's known at the Old Vic.
Sir William: Hello, always a pleasure.
Kenneth Rees Evans: And my second guest is an actress whose 1931 debut at the Royal Shakespeare was described as both Dyonesian and unabashedly insane, I am of course talking of Dame Sarah Kensington.
Dame Sarah Kensington: I heard my name. They're calling me again.